Where is God?

The last 30 days I have screamed, cussed, threw myself in the floor and cried out “Where are you God!?!”

February 6th, 2019 I woke up on a Wednesday to what was now my 3rd day off with a sick 10 month old. I was frustrated because I had already missed so much work with her the past month, I was beginning to worry I was going to get fired. All the doctors we took her to said “It’s just daycare. She’ll outgrow it.” I was spinning my wheels.

It was still early that morning and my husband and I were texting about the well-being of our daughter when I went to the restroom. I was 13 weeks 6 days pregnant with our 3rd child. I had miscarried our first 2 years prior but our sweet Audrey, was healthy, and perfect…if it weren’t for all these sick days.

My frustration over my daughter’s sickness soon was the last thing on my mind when I saw the blood. It wasn’t red. More, tan. But I knew in my bones something was wrong. I immediately called my husband who said it was likely nothing. After all we were in the second trimester now. All the scary stuff is behind us. Just to ease my mind, I went ahead and called my OBGYN, Dr. Julian Terry at Parkhill Women’s in Fayetteville. I can’t say enough wonderful things about him but that’s for another blog post. They wanted me to come in right away. I tried to convince myself it was nothing as I loaded Audrey’s diaper bag, stroller and strapped her into her car seat.

I prayed the entire trip up there, which is about 45 minutes. “God please let this baby be okay. God please don’t let me go through this pain again. God PLEASE!!!!” Over and over again. But I knew. I had an odd sense of peace as Audrey and I walked into the doctor’s office. I signed in and took a seat. It was only a matter of moments before they called me back. Dr. Terry typically does his ultrasounds in the large ultrasound room, but this time it was just him, me, Audrey and the baby inside me in a small patient room with a portable ultrasound machine. Once again, I knew.

As soon as he put the ultrasound wand on my belly I knew our baby was gone. I couldn’t see the strong flutter of a heartbeat I had seen only 2 weeks earlier. But he searched, quietly. Then he looked at me, with knowing eyes and said “I don’t see a heartbeat, but I’m going to get another doctor to take a look.” Soon, another OBGYN was in the room looking at the screen, pressing the wand harder into my stomach. Only to give me the same knowing look and say “I’m so sorry.”

Our baby was gone. For a moment I was calm. Calm enough that I didn’t even cry when they scheduled my d&c for the next day. Calm enough to get Audrey, stroller and diaper bag all safely back in the truck. I was in shock on the way home. It didn’t really hit me until about halfway home when I melted into the driver seat. Why would God put me through this hell AGAIN!?!? Why would he allow this to happen TWICE?!?!

Our sweet Angel at 11 weeks 5 days. This was the last time I saw my baby alive. And though it hurts, I’m grateful to have known this perfect baby, even for a moment.

I haven’t wanted to pray. I haven’t wanted to even think about my Creator, the one true King. I’m angry. I feel betrayed. He says he will give us the desires of our heart. Well, my heart wanted that baby!

Today was the first full church service I’ve attended since we lost the baby. And oh how God knew I needed it. It was titled “The Chapter of Grace”. In addition to losing the baby and having a chronically sick child, my husband and I were not on the best of terms this morning. When I walked into church I stomped past him. When the sermon started I was freezing, but I refused to lean into him or take his jacket. Why? Because he hurt my feelings this morning and I was going to “show him”! Oh how foolish. I kept trying to be angry with him throughout the sermon and hope that he realized just how much the pastor was preaching to HIM! But I kept being brought back to my knees.

“Give grace.” I was not giving him any kind of grace. And the last month I haven’t given myself any grace either. I’ve thrashed, and fought, and screamed and lost all good sense in my hurt and anger towards God. But he was always there. Wrapping me up tight. He was always there in the loving texts church family would send to check on me. He was there in the smile my daughter would give me that would melt my pain, if only for a millisecond. He was there in the days after my surgery when my husband waited on me hand and foot while caring for our daughter. And he was there today with me. That sermon was for me. If not for anyone else, it was for me.

What are you going through right now? Have you given yourself grace? Have you given yourself time and space to grieve? Have you talked to God or have you tried to shut Him out like I have? I encourage you brothers and sisters to seek Him out instead of shutting Him out. This pain wouldn’t have been so…well, painful…had I leaned into him, instead of pushing him away and taking my anger out on loved ones around me.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” – 2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬